How to Set Boundaries With Family During a Faith Transition

By Mellissa Perry Hill, MS, LPC Inner Compass Counseling & Consultation

A client once told me something that stuck with me. She said, “I can handle losing my faith. I can even handle losing some friends. What I can’t handle is Sunday dinner.” Her family still expected her at church every week. When she stopped going, the questions started. “Are you still praying?” “When are you coming back?” “Don’t you want your kids to have what you had?” She loved her family. She just could not keep having the same painful conversation every single week.

If you are walking through a faith transition, this probably sounds familiar. Whether you were raised LDS (Mormon), Catholic, or in a non-denominational church, your family and your faith were likely tangled together for your whole life. Stepping away from the beliefs does not mean stepping away from the people you love. But it usually means you need something you were never taught growing up: boundaries.

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard Right Now

In a lot of religious families, especially high-control ones, boundaries can feel like betrayal. You may have grown up believing that a “good” daughter, son, or grandchild does not say no to family. Faith, family, and obedience were often taught as the same thing.

So when you try to set a limit now, like “please don’t ask me about church,” it can feel like you are doing something wrong. Your body may even react like you are in danger, even though you are just protecting your own peace. That reaction makes sense. You are not weak for feeling it. You are just unlearning a rule that was drilled into you for years.

What a Boundary Actually Is (And Isn’t)

Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, describes boundaries as the expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in a relationship. A boundary is not a punishment. It is not a wall you build to shut someone out forever. It is simply a clear, honest line that says, “here is what I need to stay okay in this relationship.”

A boundary is not about controlling what your parents, siblings, or grandparents believe. You cannot make them agree with your choices, and that is not the goal. A boundary only controls what you do. You decide what topics you will talk about, what events you will attend, and how you will respond when someone pushes back.

Common Boundaries During a Faith Transition

Every family is different, but I hear a lot of the same boundaries come up in my office. Here are a few common ones:

Not discussing your beliefs, or lack of them, at every single family gathering. Skipping certain religious events, like a baptism, blessing, or church talk, without having to defend the decision. Asking family to stop sending scripture texts, sermon links, or “come back” messages. Deciding how much your kids will or will not take part in a grandparent’s church activities. Ending a phone call or leaving a room when a conversation turns into a lecture.

None of these mean you hate your family. They mean you are learning to protect your own peace while you are still figuring out what you believe.

How to Actually Say It

Boundaries do not have to be dramatic or angry. In fact, they tend to work better when they are calm and short. Here are a few scripts you can borrow and make your own.

“I love you, and I’m not going to talk about my faith today. Let’s talk about something else.”

“I won’t be at the blessing on Sunday, but I’d love to take you to lunch this week.”

“Please stop sending me articles about coming back to church. I need you to respect where I am.”

“I hear that you’re worried about me. I’m not open to discussing it further right now.”

You do not owe anyone a long explanation. A short, clear sentence is a complete answer.

When Family Pushes Back

Setting a boundary with a religious family often does not go smoothly the first time. You may hear things like, “you’re tearing this family apart,” or, “I’m only saying this because I love you.” That pushback does not mean your boundary was wrong. It usually means the people around you are not used to hearing no.

The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family describes a skill called differentiation of self. In simple terms, it means staying close to people you love while still holding on to your own thoughts, feelings, and choices, even when they disagree with you. You do not have to choose between loving your family and having your own life. You can hold both at the same time.

Repeating your boundary in a calm voice, without over-explaining or saying sorry, is often the fastest way through the pushback. It will likely feel uncomfortable at first. That discomfort usually fades as your family learns what to expect from you.

Boundaries With Kids, Grandkids, and Extended Family

This gets extra tricky once children are involved. Grandparents may want to take your kids to church, get them baptized, sign them up for a mission prep class, or simply talk to them about God the way they were taught. You get to decide how much of that fits with your own values, and you are allowed to say so in a clear, kind way.

You might say, “Grandma, we’re not doing church activities with the kids right now. You’re welcome to talk about your own faith with them in a general way, but please don’t take them to services without checking with me first.” That is not cruel. That is parenting.

Setting Boundaries With Family in Arizona and Utah

I practice in Arizona, and I work with a lot of people connected to Utah as well. Faith transitions come up constantly in my office, especially for people who grew up LDS (Mormon), but also for people raised Catholic or in non-denominational churches. In many of these communities, family, church, and culture are woven together so tightly that stepping back from one can feel like stepping back from all of them at once.

If you are in Gilbert, Mesa, Chandler, Tempe, Queen Creek, or anywhere else across Arizona or Utah, and family dinners have started to feel like a minefield, you are far from alone. This is one of the most common struggles I help people work through.

You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone

Learning to set boundaries with the people who raised you is hard work, especially when faith and family have always felt like the same thing. You do not have to have the perfect words figured out before you reach out for support.

Our team at Inner Compass Counseling currently has two clinicians with openings: Jessica Dawson, LPC and Ashley Kirkpatrick, LAC. Both work closely with clients navigating religious trauma, faith transitions, and family boundaries across Arizona and Utah. You can view their schedules and book a session here.

Every clinician on our team is supervised or consulted by me directly. That means when you sit down with any member of our staff, even our newest clinicians, you also get the benefit of my years of experience with religious trauma and faith transitions. You are never getting “less than.” You are getting our whole team behind you.

You are allowed to love your family and still protect your peace.

Stay Connected

Want more posts like this on faith transitions, religious trauma, and family boundaries? Subscribe to our newsletter here: [NEWSLETTER SIGNUP LINK].

Sources

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.

The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Differentiation of Self. https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self